Lover 01.

The silver barricade that stands between us swings open. Moments before, the anticipation lingers beneath each breath, my pace quickened, my skin begged to feel the heat of yours and fall into the zen lull of Sundays. Dull, grey light that managed to sneak past the thick clouds graciously wash over me. I say hi to your furry four legged friend in all his slick black glory before my eyes even meet yours. And when our eyes meet, you’re soft- like you always are. Your voice a notch above a whisper, the same cadence of streams in the wilderness- everywhere and nowhere.

It feels like yesterday your name rolled across the screen of my cell phone. You had invited me to a small get together on the outskirts of North Pond- a place I’m incredibly fond of. It was the kind of get together that was thrown together without a second thought, close friends sprawled across couches drinking vodka with whatever mixers they could find. Cherry lined lips and burgundy rimmed glasses that just held the wine now swirling in our bloodstreams. Green, thick houseplants that stood tall in the background commanding a presence of their own, often taking place in the discussion.

You never texted me. I mean, you rarely did. Each occasion as random and sporadic as the last. Like thick rain drops bursting through clouds on sunny days, your name rolling in on my notification bar took me by surprise. I threw on my second skin: black jeans and a black top that ended right beneath my sternum. I had no intention of luring you in, of having you thirst to discover more of what lay beneath-but with the words ‘hide’ emblazoned right above my collarbone, the promise of danger made you drool.

I showed up at the front desk and asked for Jane who, as the universe would have it, happened to be standing right next to me. I flashed her a smile beneath my face mask and hoped she had caught the squint of my eyes and the rising of my cheeks. We rode the elevator up and chatted, never really forming sentences- simply letting bubbles of small talk escape our lips. When we finally got in to her apartment, you were the first thing that caught my eye. Shy and thoughtful, you rose out of the arm chair that enveloped you shortly beforehand. You took your place beside me and we chatted for what seemed like five minutes before I fell joyously in love with your friend- it was her birthday and it turns out we were both born in a time where the stars looked upon each other and fell in Libra. We bubbled all night back and forth, me and her, talking about all things in between except you. You sat in between us and slowly slipped away when you felt the cosmic energy we held- I thanked you beneath my breath.

We escaped into the deep of the night, leaving the flurry of the party behind, it was past midnight but you wanted to walk me home. I promptly cancelled my Uber and watched as you said goodbye to another one of your friends. I could sense the longing beneath the goodbye, however, I was unsure if it was reciprocated. Maybe a past lover? Maybe a fling? I would never know; I didn’t care to know- we were just friends. Or so I thought. As we walked the path around the pond home, you asked me about my first love: writing. I was anxious at the thought of you reading my deepest thoughts but I indulged you. We spent another two hours unearthing deep wells within each of us, before you welcomed me back to yours. I obliged on one condition: I could bring my laptop and work in the morning.

The last time I was at your place I was in a two piece air drying the chlorine water from my body after sangria fueled yoga. This time I was in sweats and a hoodie- laptop in hand and sleep in my eyes. We fell into another deep conversation and I pleaded with you for rest- after all it was 4am and neither of us had had a wink of sleep. You placed your arms around my shoulders and my eyebrows wrinkled. I hadn’t sensed anything other than platonic friendship between us. A friend to lay next to on this lonely winter night. I debated back and forth in my head and with my head heavy with confusion leaned into your chest.

I walked into the thick black of the bedroom, you walked in shortly after and I spun around on the balls of my feet to make out your silhouette. You took me in your arms and asked to kiss me, I said yes. There was something about your liquor fueled edge that excited me — you slid your arms around the soft bend of my throat, tightening your grip. Was it the quarantine induced lack of touch that heightened my senses or had I suppressed a desire for you? either way it felt good to be here, between you and the soft sheets of your four post bed.

The morning after, you serenaded me, playing the piano as I worked away. A gentle kiss here and a reminder that breakfast was a short walk away. I wrapped up my last thought stream, threw on full stops where they needed to go and closed my laptop. You held me the whole way down, as if with sunlight and a clear head I would break into a sprint. I didn’t stop wanting to feel your skin against mine in the morning, I didn’t want breakfast to end. But by 11am the Sunday Scaries were in full swing and I had to get home. Spending 24 hours with people had never been my thing, after that many hours I crave the space to sprawl out and stretch my mind and my body uninterrupted. The space to lay my thoughts out before me. The last twenty four hours created a swell of emotions and the thoughts that lay before me were hazy. I hand picked a few of them and spat them out to my girlfriends at brunch an hour later. They shared the same confusion I held- where was all of this passion coming from all of a sudden?

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Lover 01 is an exploration of the intricacies of lover01- a journey of friendship and romance. To be continued!